Too Much Rambo

This past year, 2008, I had the chance to see a couple movie marathons. We didn't watch horror films, but there were quite a few scenes of bloody carnage. In case you haven't guessed...and you haven't...I sat through all four Rambo movies in one night. (I also watched the first three Indiana Jones movies twice in two days, but that will have to wait.) I don't know how many of you have seen a Rambo film, much less all of them, but please take me word for it that Rambo shooting someone in the jungles of Vietnam is the same as Rambo shooting someone in Afghanistan, Burma and Oregon. The only thing that changes are some of the plants and the amount of blood. I confess that I fell asleep and Rambo I-III started to blend together.

I passed out sometime in the fourth quarter of Rambo II, while Rambo was knifing people in the jungle, and I woke up sometime during Rambo III when Rambo was knifing people in the Afghan mountains. Rambo IV I watched completely, but it moves at a much different pace and is really a separate movie from its predecessors. Rambo is pretty easy to recognize as it takes place in America, so everyone is speaking English. Plus Brian Dennehy is in it, so it's hard to mistake Rambo for any of the other Rambos. Rambo II takes place in Vietnam and Rambo is rescuing some POWs in the jungle. Rambo III takes place in Afghanistan and has the worst subtitles I've ever seen in my entire life. Rambo IV takes place in Burma and Rambo is killing the entire Burmese army in ultra violent and bloody ways. (It's pretty awesome actually.)

The subtitles in Rambo III follow this pattern: translate the most mundane Russian dialogue spoken by the extras; fail to translate important Russian dialogue by major players. An important Russian torturer yells commands as the American captive, but we get no subtitles letting us know what he's saying. This would be an interesting device, reminding us that when we are interrogated by a foreigner, we don't know what is being yelled at us. However, a few minutes later we get a scene with Rambo creeping through the Russian camp and overhearing two guards talking. This should also warrant zero subtitles as it's completely unimportant, but no...we find out that they're talking about what time dinner is. That complete reversal of correct subtitle usage is fairly indicative of Rambo III. There are Afghan enemies and Russian enemies, but there are also Afghan good guys, and you can't tell who's who. (All Russians are bad.) So I slept, like a baby, during some intense machine gun fire and a lot of exploding-tip arrows.



Rambo III, while being the most iconic of the Rambo movies, is a little misguided. I believe the pitch for Rambo III went something like this: "It's Lawrence of Arabia, but with guns and Lawrence has more muscles and exploding-tip arrows." Rambo III is Sly's Lawrence of Arabia. It's just that the film makers messed up: they remembered to kill a lot of evil Middle Easterners, they just forgot to add splendor and a message. It's not all bad though, at least Rambo gets to ride a horse. I want this picture in velvet in my house.

I recommend, even though I just spent a few paragraphs mud-slinging, that you check out any or all of the Rambo movies, because they're a lot of fun, taken at face value. Then you can go watch this and actually appreciate it: