Put a little Love-craft in your heart

Cheesy, yes, apt, possibly. I finally got around to finishing the meagre 40-pages of The Dunwich Horror, by H.P. Lovecraft. I had watched the 1970 film version not long ago and, having read that the movie was a far from accurate adaptation, I decided to read the original tale.

About halfway through reading I figured out that the movie is as far from accurate as one can get. Something big must have happened half-way, I hear you say to yourself. Well you're right. The main character of the movie dies half-way through the book. And he looks nothing like his film counter-part either. The story concerns an apparently fatherless man who seeks out a book called the Necronomicon in which he hopes to find spells that will allow him to conjure up the Great Old Ones and take over the Earth. Later in the book you find out that he has a twin brother, who is pretty much a complete monster, who eats raw cattle and lives in the barn. The main character himself, Wilbur Whateley, is 9 feet tall and wears baggy clothes to hide his deranged lower half. You find out, after he dies, that his legs and feet resemble those of an elephant, and he has many tentacles coming out of his stomach and back. The filmmakers thought that Wilbur should look like this instead:

His twin, after Wilbur dies, goes on a rampage and kills and destroys things around the countryside. Some men, a few of them learned men, destroy "him" with some counter spells also found in the Necronomicon. After that no one speaks of the Whateley's again. The movie has Wilbur hooking up with Sandra Dee with the hopes of using her as a human vessel with which to bring the Great Old One, Yog Sothoth, to Earth. Kinda different, right? Remember, Wilbur Whateley is supposed to be 9 feet tall with elephant feet in the book, but in the movie he looks like this:

I know why they had to make him look like that. Sandra Dee is not a great animal lover, and even if she were she'd probably shy away from someone with the legs of an elephant. I will say this about the movie: It's got a lot of great 60's/70's horror movie tropes. The clothing is ridiculous and hilarious and every time the strange monster is shown a whole bunch of colors flow around the screen and the image gets all distorted like you're on an acid trip. There's also some obligatory nudity-on-the-altar-of-sacrifice stuff. (I suspect that it's a body double for Sandra Dee, though, because you never see her face in the frame at the same time as the naked body.)

Lovecraft adaptations are made by people who love Lovecraft, but who just get so excited about making their little opus/ode/homage that they fuck it all up. Not once have I seen a movie even begin to communicate the eerie feeling I get when reading Lovecraft's tales. The only person I'd like to see try would be Daren Aronofsky. I think he could do a great job. I'd also like him to use the all in-camera effects from The Fountain because there was no CGI in that movie, and everything had a great texture and tangible nature to it. Maybe this upcoming adaptation will be a bit better:

Dunwich Horror Trailer
Uploaded by dreadcentral

I can think of two movie that strayed so far from their source material: Starship Troopers and Who Framed Roger Rabbit. Oh, you didn't know Roger Rabbit was based on a book? Well, you'll find out more about that next time.

Some stuff

Here's a funny commercial from Durex, which I found on The Reverse Cowgirl blog.



And here's a poster for the Nazi-zombie flick from Scandanavia that I mentioned here before. I want to see this movie very badly now. It's becoming an obsession for me. In the same vein I also want to play and beat Call of Duty 5 because after you win you unlock a level wherein you get to take on WW2 Nazi zombies in an old abandoned mansion! This video could also double as a teaser for Dead Snow. At least I hope Dead Snow is as good as this. Here's a look!



And this is just for fun.

How could I forget!

I was over at a new favorite movie site of mine, twitchfilm.net, and I saw a t-shirt that they were advertising. It's the pic you see above, black shirt with a VHS tape on it saying "Never Forget". I suppose this marks the officiality of the death of VHS and the true reigning of DVD/Blu-ray as the rulers of home media. VHS was on it's deathbed, wheezing through a respirator for some years though, so it's hardly a surprisse to anyone. However, this made me think back some years when we were all using tapes, and I got in touch with my feelings about them.

Tapes, not only VHS but Beta too!, had a kind of allure. The tape itself degraded with time, so when you got your hands on an old tape you knew how much it had been played/loved/obesessed over. I saw a few big movies on old copied beta tapes in my youth and I still recall those watchings with a fondness for the lack of contrast, darkness that crept over it's boundaries encompassing the rest of the frame, tracking issues that you could minimize but never completely dispel. Movies I first saw on poor-quality tape: Animal House, Jokes My Folks Never Told Me, The Empire Strikes Back.



As a family we recorded many TV specials off of TV and I still watch A Charlie Brown Christmas (and It's the Great Pumpkin Charlie Brown!) with a sense that a commercial is on the horizon and I'll see that old McDonald's ad where Ronald and the kids are skating on the pond, but the youngest of the group can't keep up. I miss the '80's CBS Special logo and the old NBC peacock that was actually a peacock with a head and neck and legs. Those logos and tags were indicators that what I was watching was not run-of-the-mill.



The copy of Empire Strikes Back that I watched had a Degobah so green and dark that I never clearly knew what was going on. There were so many things I caught hints of in the background and that added a mystery to the Star Wars movie that I will never get back, since now I can see everything...even the new things that have been added to "improve" upon the original release. Oh, and it was formatted wrong: the widescreen image had been compressed to fit a TV screen and I saw a Chewbacca that was taller and thinner than even a wookie could ever be. My copy of Animal House had no contrast, so the nudity really had an underground feel to it. I had discovered an adult movie and was watching it at too young an age. The texture of the tape only amplified that sense of wrong-doing. It made watching exciting.

The same can be said for Jokes My Folks Never Told Me, a film I'm sure none of you have ever heard of, although it is Anthony Keidis' third acting role, well before he formed Red Hot Chili Peppers. Jokes... is a collection of dirty jokes played out by actors with all the sex and nudity you could want. And it's real '70's nudity. No silicon. But maybe that rant is for another post. Unfortunately the copy of Jokes... that was available to me was not complete and I've never seen the ending. It doesn't exist on DVD so I may never know what the rest of the jokes are. I wouldn't mind except throughout the movie there was one joke they told in parts, and I'll never know that punchline.

I was too young and afraid to get into the horror VHS boom of the 1980's. I wish I had, but I was too young for all that stuff. Home video really let horror loose on the world and the horror junkies ate it up with reckless abandon, causing some countries to ban many films with a fervor you wouldn't believe. Britain banned 37 horror films and took severe legal action against stores selling them. These films were called the Video Nasties and I'll probably do a post on just them another time.

So VHS has had a colored history, but it's one I wouldn't trade for anything. It's too bad that kids these days will never have the fun of watching a movie with all the imperfections that tapes had to offer. Scrubbing the negative clean for Star Wars was ultimately a great thing, as a movie like that needs to look good. Cleaning up The Texas Chain Saw Massacre? I'd rather watch it on the 15-year old tape we rented where the grime of the Hewitt house was magnified by the grime on the cassette. Besides, the phrase "stash of porno DVDs" just doesn't have the same ring to it.

Important tip

Two blog posts in one day! Yay!!

Neither of them are about movies! Boo!!

But this is an important piece of info! I had a web problem at work yesterday that continued on until just recently. It wasn't because I was visiting NSFW web sites, anyone can get this malware, so watch yourselves!

The problem I had was within the internet. I would do a Google search, and when I would click on a search result link I'd be taken to a shopping page somewhere, or a Yellow Pages search for commerce of some sort. It was really fucking frustrating. I could always manually type in a URL and go there, unless the URL was to a site that had to do with anti spyware programs...then I'd be denied access by my own browser. It's really hard to get information about a malware or spyware infection when your browser won't allow you to go to pages about anti spyware programs.

If you are a Firefox user, when you settle your mouse cursor over a link, the address that the link will take you to appears in the lower left hand corner. When I would move my cursor over a link, it would say go.google and then have a shit-ton of numbers and letters, etc. But I finally learned that this malware/spyware effects many, and you can get it just by being in the web. (So that proves that I really wasn't looking at anything bad at work!) I followed the advice of several cross-referenced blogs and decided to go with Dr. Web CureIt!, a scanner that finds and destroys malware and spyware.

In order to get that program onto my computer, because my browser wouldn't let me get to any of the sites I could download the program from, I had to download it at home, save it to a flash drive, bring the drive to work and upload it to my computer from there. Tedious, but not that hard. The point of this blog post is that it worked perfectly the first time around. I haven't even done the deep clean yet, just the quick scan and my internet browser works fine now.

So, if this ever happens to you, or you just wanna scan your comp to see how it's doing, go to:

http://www.snapfiles.com/reviews/drweb-cureit/cureit.html

and download the program. It's pretty self-explanatory from there. It's nice to a free program that is helpful and works. Have fun and happy problem-free browsing!

The Future of Television

This week, right now, as I type and you read, CES is going in Las Vegas. CES (Consumer Electronics Show) is where new technologies get unveiled every year, from electric bicycles to a solar and wind powered recharging devices. Mostly people go to CES, or follow the happenings at CE, to find out what new advancements have been made in home theater equipment, DVDs, TVs, cell phones, etc. This year, as you may have expected, there are a lot of companies trying to make the thinnest TVs around.

When was the last time you went TV shopping and wondered if you could get your HDTV to possibly be just a little bit thinner? have you ever sat and pined at home about your sorry lot in life because you are the sad owner of a 3.5" thick 60" HDTV instead of a .8" thick 60" HDTV? Neither have I. (In fact, I don't have an HDTV yet, so there!) Toshiba, a fantastic company that lost-the-hi-definition-war-to-Blu-ray-but-invented-DVD-technology-anyway-so-they're-still-cool, have wondered allowed why other companies seem to think that thinner TVs are a good thing to spend [read: waste] your money and time improving? No one knows why thin is such a big deal, but Toshiba has descided to put their best foot forward and predict the state of televisions in the not-so-distant-future.

Cell-TV.

From audioholics.com:

Toshiba again talked about its upcoming Cell TV technology which utilizes the IBM/Sony PowerPC-based Cell processor to allow for advanced video processing and frame interpolation o both standard definition and high definition content. There is a lot being talked about, and a working demo on the show floor, however now they are claiming that this will be shipping in 2009! The new Cell TV will feature:

• A powerful cell broadband processor with a focus on advanced picture quality and advanced applications
• Wireless HD video support, even at the highest resolutions
• Built-in hard disc storage with server capabilities for receiving and distributing content throughout the home
• Seamless Internet connectivity for downloading and accessing network content

The Cell TV will ultimately combine elements of IPTV, multi-source file compatibility (HDD, SD, USB, etc), DLNA support for remote file sharing/streaming, and full (and largely transparent) Internet support.

On the real cutting edge side of the Cell TV, the system is said to be able to handle six (6) simultaneous HD streams at once. That means it can record 6 HD streams to the drive or storage system simultaneously. It will utilize a completely new 3D graphical user interface (GUI) and provide a new way of accessing data and programming material easily and from multiple locations. DLNA support and advanced networking would indicate that this box should be able to serve an entire home full of HD displays and enable itself to be a potential AV hub for large amounts of content.

With that said, Toshiba claims they will release this technology this year, however we'll refrain from holding our breath until we see an actual set-top product arrive on the market. It's certainly got potential and was the most exciting thing we heard at Toshiba's press event.

For additional information please visit www.tacp.toshiba.com.

So the device that you're sitting in front of right now will be what televisions will change into in soon. You can already get PC-driven home theater systems, and Apple TV is a pretty big deal these days too. (Even though NetGear debuted their "AppleTV-killer" at CES as well.) So TVs and are getting closer to computers all the time. But Toshiba wants to make monitors and then couple them with cell-powered CPUs of a fashion that can bring you a cable interface that more closely resembles the internet. It's an exciting thing. Netflix already has their set-top box that streams movies stright from your queue online, so this is just expanding on that a bit.

Too Much Rambo

This past year, 2008, I had the chance to see a couple movie marathons. We didn't watch horror films, but there were quite a few scenes of bloody carnage. In case you haven't guessed...and you haven't...I sat through all four Rambo movies in one night. (I also watched the first three Indiana Jones movies twice in two days, but that will have to wait.) I don't know how many of you have seen a Rambo film, much less all of them, but please take me word for it that Rambo shooting someone in the jungles of Vietnam is the same as Rambo shooting someone in Afghanistan, Burma and Oregon. The only thing that changes are some of the plants and the amount of blood. I confess that I fell asleep and Rambo I-III started to blend together.

I passed out sometime in the fourth quarter of Rambo II, while Rambo was knifing people in the jungle, and I woke up sometime during Rambo III when Rambo was knifing people in the Afghan mountains. Rambo IV I watched completely, but it moves at a much different pace and is really a separate movie from its predecessors. Rambo is pretty easy to recognize as it takes place in America, so everyone is speaking English. Plus Brian Dennehy is in it, so it's hard to mistake Rambo for any of the other Rambos. Rambo II takes place in Vietnam and Rambo is rescuing some POWs in the jungle. Rambo III takes place in Afghanistan and has the worst subtitles I've ever seen in my entire life. Rambo IV takes place in Burma and Rambo is killing the entire Burmese army in ultra violent and bloody ways. (It's pretty awesome actually.)

The subtitles in Rambo III follow this pattern: translate the most mundane Russian dialogue spoken by the extras; fail to translate important Russian dialogue by major players. An important Russian torturer yells commands as the American captive, but we get no subtitles letting us know what he's saying. This would be an interesting device, reminding us that when we are interrogated by a foreigner, we don't know what is being yelled at us. However, a few minutes later we get a scene with Rambo creeping through the Russian camp and overhearing two guards talking. This should also warrant zero subtitles as it's completely unimportant, but no...we find out that they're talking about what time dinner is. That complete reversal of correct subtitle usage is fairly indicative of Rambo III. There are Afghan enemies and Russian enemies, but there are also Afghan good guys, and you can't tell who's who. (All Russians are bad.) So I slept, like a baby, during some intense machine gun fire and a lot of exploding-tip arrows.



Rambo III, while being the most iconic of the Rambo movies, is a little misguided. I believe the pitch for Rambo III went something like this: "It's Lawrence of Arabia, but with guns and Lawrence has more muscles and exploding-tip arrows." Rambo III is Sly's Lawrence of Arabia. It's just that the film makers messed up: they remembered to kill a lot of evil Middle Easterners, they just forgot to add splendor and a message. It's not all bad though, at least Rambo gets to ride a horse. I want this picture in velvet in my house.

I recommend, even though I just spent a few paragraphs mud-slinging, that you check out any or all of the Rambo movies, because they're a lot of fun, taken at face value. Then you can go watch this and actually appreciate it:

and still...

Yesterday I wasn't feeling well so I posted an article from Patton Oswalt instead of my own words. Today, I'm still not 100%, so I'm posting an entire post from another blog that also happens to be taken out of a book that someday soon I think I need to read. I happen to think this is pretty amazing, even if it may be too vulgar on the surface for many of you to actually get through.

From The Reverse Cowgirl:

"One night, for no particular reason, he went out to wander around the lifeless neighborhood of the West Fifties and walked into a topless bar. As he sat there at his table drinking a beer, he suddenly found himself sitting next to a voluptuously naked young woman. She sidled up to him and began to describe all the lewd things she would do to him if he paid her to go to 'the back room.' There was something so openly humorous and matter-of-fact about her approach, that he finally agreed to her proposition. The best thing, they decided, would be for her to suck his penis, since she claimed an extraordinary talent for this activity. And indeed, she threw herself into it with an enthusiasm that fairly astonished him. As he came in her mouth a few moments later, with a long and throbbing flood of semen, he had this vision, at just that second, which has continued to radiate inside him: that each ejaculation contains several billion sperm cells--or roughly the same number as there are people in the world--which means that, in himself, each man holds the potential of an entire world. And what would happen, could it happen, is the full range of possibilities: a spawn of idiots and geniuses, of the beautiful and the deformed, of saints, catatonics, thieves, stock brokers, and high-wire artists. Each man, therefore, is the entire world, bearing within his genes a memory of all mankind. Or, as Leibniz put it: 'Every living substance is a perpetual living mirror of the universe.' For the fact is, we are of the same stuff that came into being with the first explosion of the first spark in the infinite emptiness of space. Or so he said to himself, at that moment, as his penis exploded into the mouth of that naked woman, whose name he has now forgotten. He thought: the irreducible monad. And then, as though taking hold of it at last, he thought of the furtive, microscopic cell that had fought its way up through his wife's body, some three years earlier, to become his son." Paul Auster, The Invention of Solitude, care of A."

I know it's laziness, but I'm almost finished watching The Dunwich Horror, and I'll definitely have something to say about that tomorrow.