What kind of a proposed "horror fan" would I be if I neglected to write about the new Friday 13th movie? A shitty one, that's what kind. I've been reading some other writings online about the Friday series, and it seems that these people all wanted today's release of a new re-make/reboot of
Friday 13th to be some awe-inspiring, obsession-validating piece of genius. It's a remake of a slasher flick from 1980, why try to build it up so much?
Almost anything new gets shit on in favor of what used to be. No matter how badly put together something was when it first came out, everyone will rally around it when someone else comes along and tries to reinvent it. I do side with the people who hate film remakes. But a film remake these days, and this goes double with horror films, is like putting out a new model car that's just the grill of a Cadillac onto a Ford Focus. It's still a Focus, even if you "remade" it with Cadillac quality in mind. Likewise, remaking a Friday movie by slapping a hockey mask onto a guy with one eye and giving him a machete doesn't make a great movie no matter what your motives are. I'm not trying to insult the film makers, I just want it clear that this movie is just another slasher movie following in a previous slasher movies' footsteps. It could be fun, it could suck. (I'm going to go home and duct tape a Cadillac grill to my Focus right after work!)
Sure, there are genius cinematographic turns in several iconic slasher/horror films:
Halloween is obviously important to the genre,
Texas Chain Saw Massacre showed what could be done with a small budget and almost no on-screen gore at all (hint: it fools you into thinking it's one of the goriest movies of all time), Freddy is a fantastic villain that you love to fear. But that doesn't mean that every slasher flick that comes out has to be eye-opening and on par with the films comprising the horror canon. Jason is a retard in a mask with a machete who kills kids. I'm serious, that's what he is and that's what he'll always be.
I watch Jason movies for kitsch value. I like the clothing/attitudes/styles of various years that are on display. (
Friday 13th Part VIII: Jason Takes Manhattan is the best for horrible fashion.) I love the nudity and the creativity in the kills. What I'm saying is that
Friday 13th movies aren't rocket science. The remake won't add purpose to the original, nor will it give the Jason movies that came before it any sudden value as classics. It'll be the same as it always has been and will be: Fans will hold the films up as classics at their whim, and detractors will continue to give us shit for enjoying the sight of impaled naked teenage girls. Fuck you, detractors.
The only thing I hate about horror in the current times is the inclusion of silicone. Give me nudity from the 70's and 80's. Unfortunately the starlets nowadays have bodies that look as fake as their dialogue sounds. But I'm still going to go see this new
Friday movie, even if people think it's no good because...surprise, surprise...it isn't
Lawrence of Arabia. What can you possibly expect from a Jason movie besides stupid teens, drinking, boobs, drugs, boobs, blood, repeat? You've no right to expect anything more! And I'm going in expecting to see just that. From what I've read, I won't be disappointed.
2 comments:
I hope it was the predictable yet enjoyable slasher film you wanted, complete with stupid teens, real B-cup boobs, and the bad guy winning in the end.
It was good enough. Better than 9 and 10, so that's saying something. I would've done some things differently, but the real bad guy won in the end, and the real boobs were real nice...but B-cup? That's slighting the actress by a long shot. They were nice and big and real.
Oh and Jason ties a girl up inside her sleeping bag and hangs her over a fire. It was kind of the highlight as far as all the kills are concerned, even though it happened in the first 15 minutes.
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