The long-awaited obscene post

My girlfriend, chaste virgin that she is(n't) commented recently about how unfair it is that I get to see copious amounts of bare boobies all over the place but she doesn't get to see the equivalent. Where are all the dicks? I assure you that they're there, hiding behind underpants and jeans wherever you go. The issue is more why are there boobs in every movie, but a big ixnay on ocksay? The answer is the same now as it was when I first posted about this topic here, the MPAA has problems with penises.

It's misogynistic I know, and also it's completely unfair. It's a strange weird relationship that guys have with the dicks of other guys. In locker rooms it is no big deal to change and weigh yourself and sit on your towel in the sauna naked. No one cares really. Girls in the locker room hate the fact that other girls are in there naked. But at the same time, girls are drunkenly drawn to breasts and think they're funny and no big deal in public or when they are watching a movie; a guy will never touch another guys' dick, even as a joke, and they'll boo whenever they see a 5 foot long cock on the movie screen. (I mean, it's 5 ft. long because it's on such a large screen. The same way that a girl in a movie has quintillion-D breasts on the same screen...perhaps in the same [money] shot.)

Anyhow, my GF gives me a hard time last night about how there are so many movies with tits and none with dicks. So I go through my DVD collection and point out all the movies I have where there are cocks. I think the total, in a collection of about 500, was 15. There's a dick in Life of Brian, I Am Curious: Yellow, W.R. Mysteries of the Organism, Sweet Movie, Zack and Miri Make a Porno, the list goes briefly on. And what did the GF have to say about all those dicks? "I don't want to see black and white foreign dicks."

She's kind of right...American cinema hates a dick. You can't even show a whole scene of marionettes fucking in an American movie, it has to be edited down. (I appreciate that there is a "yellow shower" and a "hot carl" in said marionettes-fucking movie, but c'mon...it's puppets!) Thora Birch wants to get naked in American Beauty and she's underage? No problem, her folks can sign a permission slip. Kevin Bacon accidentally flashes his member in Wild Things? He has to get woken up at 3am by the director who has to find out if it's okay with him that his johnson has screen time and then they have to discuss it for a two hours and finally settle on it being cool. Ricockulous? Definitely.

Team America Uncut Sex Scene | Viral | SPIKE.com

What can we do about this? I propose that for the next month, you just grab the dick of every man you pass by on the street, look him in the eye and say, "I, as a woman, appreciate and respect the penis. Feel free to be comfortable showing and seeing this little guy all the time." Don't want to do that? You can watch this movie instead of desensitize yourself to the dick in the privacy of your own living room.

However, another issue, albeit a much more subjective one, gets brought up at the same time. My significant other says I get to see boobs and she doesn't get to see the equivalent What exactly qualifies as the equivalent? Technically a bare chested man is the same as a bare chested woman. Un-technically, a bare chested woman is much less acceptable in public than a bare chested man. If you're a man then you can walk around town without a shirt and no one will say anything to you. (Unless you're Quato, in which case you should just keep that shirt on, man...) And since boobs are so round and pleasing to the eye and hands and etc., are they really in the same erotic category as flaccid cocks? My heterosexual opinion is, "no". There are very few things in this world less attractive and more hilarious than what looks like a turkey throat hanging between your legs. Sorry, but that's how I see it. Now an erect cock on the other hand...there's something nice there. Maybe it's because so many great things look like erect penises: rocket ships, submarines, geoducks, trains, balloon animals, George Washington's head on a folded dollar bill, Joe Camel's nose, et al.

I think that the tide of male domination of imagery in this country has saved many people from a sight that is intentionally hilarious: the exposed, limp cock. And instead, we have decided, culturally, to embrace the naughty but acceptable naked breast. I'm cool with this trend. How do you feel about it, readers?