Remakes redux

A friend has asked why Hollywood is making a new version of Child's Play. I have no idea. No one knows. The easy answer, the answer that is partially true, is that the production company wants to make money. Kids these days, and young adults too, are very put off by things that are older than say, 2000. Think about it, a kid born in 2000 is almost 10 years old. They don't want to see the "old" movies that we used to watch way back in 1995, or 1990, or 1982...potentially the best year for movies of all time.

So, to make money, studios want to remake things with newer flair and relevancy. Cinephiles, and all lovers of movies, know that a movie is good no matter if it's in black and white, color, sepia, silent or audible. Horror movies are ripe for remakes because there is an automatic audience and the movies are pretty cheap to make. A horror movie-goer will not go see a horror movie based on who is in it, but on what creature/monster is slaughtering people. The monsters all work for scale because they're not real. That's one reason why there aren't many famous people in horror movies: It makes them too expensive. Sure there are exceptions, but there are always exceptions.

A remake is usually made of a movie that did well in the theaters or has sold well in the stores. Child's Play, for instance, is a fairly well-thought of movie series with an easily-recognizable star: Chucky. It would take less time and effort for a studio to make a horror movie where the villain has already been thought up than to hire someone to create a new bad guy. Plus, there is fan fiction all over the place. People have tons of ideas for storylines for characters that already exist. You should check out the Harry Potter fan fic with Snape and Hermione.

So a remake is cheaper, can be made faster and makes them more money because the studio is getting a whole other generation of movie-goers to see something they already created and own the rights too.

But that doesn't make it alright. Most remakes are so terrible and come from stupid board meetings where agents are only thinking of how much money the original has made that they forget that you can't replicate certain experiences.

For fuck's sake, they want to remake The Rocky Horror Picture Show. Why would you remake a movie that has been playing in movie theaters all over the world since the first night it opened? A remake of Total Recall is coming out. Not going to make any money. Part of what makes Total Recall so great is Arnold being 1990's Arnold. You can't replicate that. What are they going to do, put a woman with 4 breasts in it to make it better? Plan 9 From Outer Space: Are things so bad that now you're going to remake a movie that only has value as the worst movie of all time? Just remember, there are a few good remakes out there, but mostly awful ones. Try to view them remakes on their own terms, unless it's impossible. It will be impossible to view the Rocky Horror remake on its own terms, so it'll just suck and I won't go see it.

Here are a few good remakes:

Ocean's 11
Teaxas Chainsaw Massacre (2003)
Assault on Precinct 13
A Fistful of Dollars (remake of Yojimbo)
The Thing (remake of The Thing From Another World)
The Italian Job
Dawn of the Dead
King Kong

Here are some of the most terrible excuses for remakes in the world:

Psycho (1998)
You've Got Mail (remake of The Shop Around the Corner)
The Vanishing (remade and given a happy ending for some reason)
The Ladykillers
Quarantine (remake of [REC], not even a year old when remade)
Get Carter
The Wicker Man
Godzilla
The Amityville Horror (remade to look like a J-Horror flick)